Men get bored and lose interest. It happens every day. The problem has been nicknamed “Relationship Attention Deficit Disorder” or RADD. Not really, I just made that up.
It is not the partner’s fault – it is not your fault. It is more likely that he is feeling the need for more excitement, more thrill, more passion, more spontaneity and … wait for it … more romance in the relationship.
Or maybe he is a sex addict and can only be happy when he has mated a new partner. No, that adds too much confusion to this article so I will skip that one.
Understanding why men get bored may help you to implement a plan to prevent this from happening. Lean to redirect his focus, and you might find a stronger relationship.
Although a strange statement from a man, not everyone realizes that there is such a thing as too much closeness; too much intimacy.
When you begin dating one person exclusively, your friends tell you that you are in the “honeymoon” phase … and it is an honest observation of where you are mentally. You want to spend as much time as possible with your new partner/boyfriend/lover.
What you might not realize is the inherent truth in the old adage “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. If you are with him 24 hours a day, there is no opportunity for him to miss you … no chances for him to realize how much he enjoys your company.
Most men have a shorter honeymoon period than women. A few 24-hour days with you will be great. After that – he will grow bored.
Oh, and don’t fall for the naysayers who like to counter with “out of sight, out of mind”. I am not suggesting that you don’t call or text (preferred) every day – I am saying that if you are up your partner’s ass every minute of every day, he will never experience the “down time” without you.
Everyone needs space to be with friends, family, or even alone. I need space to be alone; to have music playing with NO OTHER NOISE.
I want peace and quiet. No other cell phone noise, no hearing TikTok across the house, no hearing someone else’s phone getting Facebook dings.
I don’t want to be asked what we are doing for dinner or if I am hungry yet; or worse, “what are you doing now?” Men get bored with providing “answers” all the time.
To learn what YOUR partner needs and wants, you must broach the subject with him … what type of space does he need?
Some couples create a “man-cave” in the house with the number one rule being – if the door is closed, NO ONE knocks or goes in. In that room, the man needs to know he is on his own; will not be disturbed, and if all of this is done correctly, he will NOT HEAR talking or phone noises.
As long as he is in his private space, no one will ask about eating; no one will tell him the dinner is ready; no one will ask him anything. The man-cave becomes another country – and no one can visit when the door is closed without a special VISA.
Let’s be honest. He might want to masturbate. The ability to crank one off without anyone bothering him might allow the stress reduction and peace he needs. And since he is in his private space, he doesn’t need to be worried that someone (anyone) will walk in on him.
Not all of us want or can afford a man-cave. Would a few dedicated nights out with his friends give him the space he craves? Or would he enjoy spending extra time at work or school one or two nights per week to allow him private time to work on important projects or meet deadlines without feeling as though he is shirking his duties to you?
Chances are that you haven’t taken care of yourself either if you have been spending your time doting on your partner 24/7.
Get in touch with your friends. Plan a fancy restaurant out with them. Maybe join the gym and make a gym schedule with one of your buddies. Even working on that hobby you have been putting off could give you something else to do besides being next to your partner.
If you have nothing to do, and no social or emotional outlets in your life, you will expect and depend on your partner to be the relief valve for all of your concerns. As his pressure cooker explodes, it might be too late to realize that you were the one that was applying to much heat.
It is sad but true – if your man has met another women that he finds interesting or desirable, he may spend more time trying to catch and satisfy her interest. You might even notice that he has become antsy or less patient with you as he begins to think about you less.
I am not saying that he has begun an affair. At this stage, there is another woman that he WANTS to be noticed by and be given attention by.
We already agree that men get bored, but what has pushed him into the arms of another woman? What is lacking in your relationship? What does he think the new woman will give to him that you can’t? Has your relationship or sex-life become stale?
Are you stressing him out about every problem in the home, or in your life, or with the kids? There is a limit on the amount of “information” a man can process – especially if there is NOTHING the man can do about it.
For example – you can’t wait to “share” your feelings about that bitch, Cynthia, and what she did and said about <blah, blah>. But you don’t really just share … you bitch, moan, and complain – and because of how you say it, your man feels an ingrained need to “help” you with your problem.
You tend to “overshare” like this on a regular basis, and expect your man to listen to it attentively, even though there is NOTHING he can say or do to provide guidance or advice to you.
Taking into consideration that studies show men listen to the first 6 minutes of any story told to them by their partner, and you will realize that every minute thereafter, your man will begin to get antsy, and possibly angry, as your story unfolds. This 6 minute window is another example of why men get bored — the attention span just isn’t there. By the time you are finished and want his advice, he is fit to be tied.
On the other hand, let’s assume you don’t overshare – in more ways than one. Your sexual “sharing” has continued to decrease – you are having sex less and less often.
What are YOU doing to encourage sex? And I do NOT, NOT, NOT mean talking about it. Don’t talk about it. Don’t ask if he wants to have sex. Did I make that clear enough?
Actions speak louder than words. Do you want to have sex? Wake up a little earlier in the morning and begin rubbing or sucking his penis to get him in the mood.
In the afternoon when you have 30 minutes of privacy, begin rubbing his penis through his clothes, as you remove all of your clothes. We can all agree that men get bored, but not when having their penis rubbed.
Buy a sex coupon book or make your own sex jar. Both of you write down things you have wanted to try. Put them in the jar and then the next time you are intimate, pick one out and act it out.
Read about how to give a man a hand job. Grabbing it like a toilet plunger and tugging on it hard and rough to unclog the bowl is not what I am referring to.
I am talking about a two handed hand-job with a good quality lube. Experience using different rubbing methods; hand positions; friction (the amount you are squeezing); and varying speeds.
Tell your man to tell you when he is getting close. When he tells you that, DO NOT CHANGE the position, the stroke, the friction, your body position – OR ANYTHING. Maintain what you are doing at all costs until he hits that point of no return and has a completely satisfying release.
As he begins to ejaculate, slow down the stroke, and release most of the friction, and gently squeeze out every drop. Continue to slow down but do not stop until you feel him going soft in your hands.
Change the sex rules. Does your partner usually go down on your for an hour before penetration? Do you typically spend an hour in bed? Drop those rules and have a quicky. Drop your clothes, lay down on the bed on your stomach, and encourage him to please himself; taking you from behind concentrating on his orgasm and nothing else.
When he is away from you, send him erotic, but not pornographic text messages. Tell him how much you enjoyed “the afternoon”, or you can’t wait to repeat “this morning” again.
KISS HIM. Stop thinking he should be the one to kiss you. Learn to be more generous with hugs, and kisses, and gentle over-the-clothes rubs of his penis. These actions won’t always lead to sex, but they remind the man that you can provide affection and attention.
Most men like to kiss but they don’t want to start it. Men get bored because no one is doing to them what they are expected to do. When was the last time you kissed your man’s neck and ears while he was standing next to the sink in the kitchen? And it goes without saying here … if he has some special way he likes to kiss, KISS HIM HIS WAY.
Yes, I know that isn’t a very technical way to say this, and I would get points off in English class, but you know – sometimes reducing words to the smallest possible word choice works wonders.
Stop bitching and arguing about the small things. If I had a dime for every person who has told me about their arguments with their spouse about the toilet seat being down, I would be rich. There are more simple solutions than this. Pick up the damn toilet seat when you are finished is one of the solutions.
The other solution is to know when he usually needs to sit on the toilet. Just before he does, you go and piss on the toilet seat. What is he going to do? He won’t sit until he cleans it – which is likely your argument for wanting the toilet seat picked up as well. When he asks, tell him you are trying to learn to piss through the opening because it seems like fun.
Or he has had a rough day at work. Everyone has been on his ass, nothing went as planned, it was a grade A miserable day and he couldn’t wait to come home, drink a beer, eat dinner and relax to wash off the day’s misery in the comfort of his home.
But as soon as he walks in the door, you tell him about the commitments you made for the two of you to attend a dinner or event with your friends, and have already paid in advance. Or better yet, it is book club night and you need his help to be the supportive spouse and help serve and clean up during the book club meeting at YOUR house.
Continuing to fight over the small things will prevent the two of you from talking about anything – for fear that it will create an argument. Men get bored with this and will then turn to OTHER PEOPLE to talk to and to share what he is doing and thinking. That is not the way you want your relationship to turn.
Do you want to save and/or improve this relationship? Then learn how to communicate, including making changes to the way you approach life and life’s problems. I am not suggesting that you become a different person – but learn what your partner expects and find a way to compromise and make both of you happy. The goal is for both of you to become better people.
For example – DO NOT MAKE COMMITMENTS that he is expected to fulfill without consulting him in advance.
Couples often fight because one of the people in the relationship has needs that aren’t being met. They then lash out for other reasons – usually the “small shit” as I titled it. You need to learn to calmly communicate what you need and want from your partner in a way that makes it easier for him to meet and fulfill.
Don’t leave anything out of what you need. He doesn’t want to be 1) in the dark or 2) be forced to think about what you are doing – this is your plan, you should have everything worked out before talking to him.
I find in my relationship that I respond to a lot of verbal personal attacks as … “AND?” … to encourage my partner to realize that she has done nothing but give me a one-sided verbal “attack”. My response is to get her to realize that she has not asked me to do anything – her words come across as bitching at me.
Women are quick to tell a man what irritates them. Men on the other hand, tend to avoid making those statements – so realize that this is a two-way street.
Remove your emotions from the argument. Are you angry or extremely frustrated? Then this is the wrong time to have a “discussion” with your husband because it will be extremely easy for you to go from Defcon 5 to 1 in a rabbits jump.
Venting to a friend. This carries with it a danger that most people don’t realize. Because you are venting, you might say things to a friend, or disparage your partner more than if you spoke to him. The danger is the impression your friend will have of your partner – and how your venting can accidentally be exposed when your friend is with you and your partner at the same time. Venting sometimes turns the friend completely against the husband, and they develop an antagonistic attitude toward your husband, and it is YOUR fault. You said things to your friend from an angry, one-sided emotional outburst. And now your friend hates your husband.
Compliment and Appreciate. Your partner has many good qualities. Notice them – and let your partner know you appreciate what they do. Men get bored doing things that they think will be appreciated only to receive complaints about something they did not do.
Remember back to when you first got together. You made it a point to show how little things didn’t bother you; that you weren’t one of those “nagging” women; that you could take a lot and not lose your mind over every little thing. What happened?
What happened is you became complacent. You didn’t think you needed to “work” for your partner’s love or affection. You didn’t think that you need to “let things go” or he “might let you go”. In other words, you stopped doing the things you were doing at the start of the relationship.
Do you get angry that your partner doesn’t appear to be listening when you are complaining about something he did? Is he in another world? Men get bored and go off into a safe place. Chances are, you are nagging. You set out by saying you would never be one of those nagging women; and now look what happened.
Are you reminding him of the same things repeatedly, even though you know he has handled the thing you are reminding him of each time it was necessary?
Unnecessary “reminders” is nagging. And when men began to feel the nagging over reminders, they stop doing the item. They don’t always stop intentionally, but to cope with the stress being delivered to them, then seek refuge somewhere in their brain, and the item or responsibility they were supposed to accomplish gets pushed aside. Men get bored hearing the same thing over and over.
Do you need for him to pick up milk on the way home? Send ONE text message shortly before he gets off work asking him to please pick up milk.
Is today trash day? Send him ONE text that says “Hi Honey, I forget to tell you that the trash is coming early today. Would you please make sure it is out by 3pm? Thanks”. It doesn’t matter that trash is coming at the same time that it always comes. It is a small white lie with good intent. In his mind, it is information that he was not aware of, and is not a regular nagging reminder.
Depending on how the reminder is delivered will determine whether it is nagging or helpful.
Regardless of what is going on between you and your partner, do NOT escalate the argument or discussion with ultimatums or generalizations that will inflame the argument and possibly take it to the next step. Once men get bored with a relationship, they are not predictable and might act on your escalation or ultimatum in a manner you do not want.
Deescalate; compliment; appreciate; and realize that your life is better together than apart. Once you realize this, make conscious decisions on how to make your life together better – trying to bring it back to the “honeymoon stage” where everything rolled off of you like water on a duck’s back. Understand that men get bored and you must do more to hep him deal with this attention disorder. When your partner does something RIGHT, notice, appreciate, and mention it, by words, and by affection.
Affection brought the two of you together – and it will keep you together if you will let it.
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