Have you been in one of those tables with your friends for brunch and while the pies are being passed around, the conversation slowly begins to shift to very awkward topics like “dirty deeds done dirt cheap”? And yes, that is a cheap reference to the music of AC/DC, which in sexual terms, means something completely different!
Before anyone realizes, the topic is now ‘the dirty deeds: how many times we do it. One ostentatious friend mentions that he does it with his girlfriend “every day” and sometimes “twice a day”, another complains that having kids changed a lot and they barely do it “once a month” now.
While the stories are going back and forth and you haven’t figured out whether to play down your number or exaggerate because you do not know if your friends are telling the whole truth about their sex lives. Yet you secretly wonder what the ‘normal’ number of times the average couple should be doing the dirty deeds.
What is the “normal”? For real?
There is no right way to experience a satisfying sex life. Every couple ought to find out what works for them and the important thing is that they are happy.
A study done in 2015 revealed that getting laid more than one time a week did not certainly improve the sexual satisfaction of couples (in other words, more is not always good, the prescribed number for optimum satisfaction seems to be once a week).
This number doesn’t work for everyone and communication between couples is key to determine the frequency to be adopted by them.
What about age factors?
In a couple’s sex life, age can play a role in deciding the number of times they perform the dirty deeds.
A 2018 study of participants who were middle-aged reported that people viewed ageing negatively as they grew older and this affected their sex life negatively. It is no surprise because a healthy libido has a lot to do with how you feel about your partner and yourself.
According to Tristan Bickman, MD, author of Whoa, Baby, “varying levels of oestrogen and testosterone can affect libido”. That said, it is evident that the sex drive can be affected physically by ageing.
She explained that men reach their peak at a different time, (in their teenage years) from women (in their 30s) in terms of hormones and libido.
Research has also shown that both men and women reach their peak when they are comfortable in their bodies and with their sexuality- which, in theory, is anytime.
Really annoying sex myths, we can finally get rid of.
Quantity is everything?
The quality of a sexual experience matters more than the number of times you have it. If your friend who claims to ‘complete the dirty deeds’ every single day or twice in a day, is treating it as an event on a to-do list, does he/she really have a better sex life than you? We disagree
Masturbation reduces sex drive?
Masturbation does not necessarily lower or reduce sex drive. It might make you a little more choosy at the bar, but that might not be a bad thing. Not only is regular masturbation safe, it is also good for you well being (provided you don’t get some serious chafing). Regular masturbation enables you to master your domain which will in turn help improve your experience with your partner. Does a better sexual experience equal an increased sex drive? Yes, we think so.
A dry spell means things have fallen apart?
Most people get scared and even feel damaged when they experience low libido for some time, but the truth is that everyone passes through phases where they do not feel like having sex. If you find yourself in that phase, you might want to spice things up in your sex life, or you can visit a doctor to find out what can be done.
Remember, stress reduces the body’s ability to get wet. If you are experience vaginal dryness and subsequent pain during intercourse, one minor purchase at your local adult shop will quickly solve your problems and return the slickness and wetness you had before.
Certain sexual preferences are “bad” or unacceptable?
Enjoy unconventional sex? Well, great! Provided you are experimenting with your partner in a healthy environment and with enthusiastic consent, you are free to try out new things and have the type of sex you desire.
Is my relationship in trouble?
The truth is that less sex does not mean that your relationship is doomed. So long as you both are communicating and trying to work through your emotional swings and physical problems together.
According to Rapini, it has to be up to a year before it can be considered a problem, especially if one of them wants sex more.
If that happens, a therapist should be employed to help get to the root of the cause of the low libido between the couple and how to improve it.
How to torch your sex drive
There are ways and toys designed to spice up your sex life if things are dampened. Here we will look at some of the strategies.
Incorporate de-stressors into your life:
Anything to remove stress from your life. Have you heard that the best sex is vacation sex? Well, you might want to start planning your next weekend vacation ASAP to get out of the regular activities. Yoga, exercises, meditation, hanging out – anything you can do to get more spontaneous.
Connect with your partner emotionally:
This goes without saying that there is more to sex than just the physical. Sex is wholistic. It pertains to your entire makeup. Human beings are sexual beings. It is meant to be enjoyed and to build a loving connection or express and already existing one. If you are buzzing in every other area of your life, you are more likely to have a better sexual experience.
Consume erotic media together:
Reading erotica or watching porn as partners can really spice things up in the bedroom. Instead of hiding to watch porn alone which most times brings a sting of shame, you can talk about and watch it as a couple.
Get your hormones checked out:
Visit your doctor if you feel your hormones are below the normal level. Stay away from medications that decrease your libido if feasible.
Show shame the door, and… kick it out!
Feeling ashamed of your body or desires is one sure sex drive killer and you must desist from it. The way we feel about ourselves has a lot to do with the level of sexual satisfaction we experience. Self-esteem is vital. Our sex drive and cravings are improved when we feel confident about our body and sexuality. If you feel worthy of sex, you will seek it often.
Ignore what your pals say, it’s all about what makes you and your partner happy. So next time you find yourself around that table and the topic of “how many times do you do the dirty deeds” is brought one, all you need do is flash a smile and wink…. They’ll get the message
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