The next product we tried on our search for the best lubricant, was Fuck Water Lube. What a great name! Fuck Water lube came in a 4.05 (?) fl. oz bottle. The bottle is definitely eye catching and has attractive labeling. My wife didn’t agree, but I like the up-front-ness about it. Made in Canada by Non-Friction Products.
Like the previous bottle of lube, fuck water had a press-top dispenser with an inner safety seal. I like to know that no maniac has tampered with my lubricant. Imagine switching it for crazy glue? Yikes!! Again, you will not be able to pass off Fuck Water lube as anything but what it is, so keep it away from where your teenage daughter’s friends could see it. Or her for that matter! The lube itself looked just like a load of jizz – talk about putting the cart before the horse.
FUCK WATER LUBE OR MADE BY MIKE??
The fuck water lube was a good consistency, a little more runny than the previous, but sufficiently thick for a lube. It had almost no smell and little to no taste. My wife is the one who tastes these lubes. She can be a little wacky sometimes.
The copy on the bottle says, “When spit and courage aren’t enough!” This is hilarious – I love their sense of humor. The bottle also claims it is non-staining, but I couldn’t try it on her new blouse. Go figure.
For you freaks, like me, who are label nuts and like the ingredient list, here we go:
Water – Duh.
Propylene Glycol –Just like the previous.
Isopropyl Palmitate – Lubricant, binder.
Dimethicone – Also called polydimethylsiloxane, silicone based oily stuff. More about this.
Hydroxypropylcellulose – Plant gum. Yikes, these have scary names.
Polysorbate 20 – Surfactant, like a soap.
Sorbitan Stearate – Emulsifier, helps mix in the silicone stuff.
Cetearyl Alcohol – Helps keep said emulsion from separating. More about this later.
Glyceryl Stearate –Oily, waxy ingredient.
Sodium Benzoate – Preservative.
Gluconolactone – Chelating agent that binds heavy metals. Slippery compound from plant gums.
So, this list has some very strange things going on that might keep it from being on my best lubricant search. The addition of a silicone compound typically would make this a “hybrid” lube, rather than water based. It really isn’t a water based lube. It kinda is – not.
So it has a couple of other things in it (emulsifiers) to mix the silicones and watery stuff. The main question you may be asking right about here is, “Who the f*** cares about this stuff, Mike?” Fair enough. Lots of people are sensitive to certain ingredients and this gives them that info before they order a bottle then find out that they’re allergic to the prickly pear extract that wasn’t mentioned in the ad copy.
Also, it lets you readers know when certain “facts” are mis-represented or mis-stated by manufacturers. Certain manufacturers, present company excluded, do not have stellar reputations for being completely honest. I’m sure the hybrid nature of this lube wasn’t mentioned because– no, you know what, I don’t know why they didn’t say it; it doesn’t matter. They didn’t say it. If you had an allergy to silicone and bought this “water based lube” you might be in for an unpleasant surprise. That’s why I do exhaustive research into ingredients and their uses. And to show you how smart I am. 🙂
I really, really wanted to like this lube, as I had already added it to my best lubricant short-list of contenders. Great name, good ad copy on the bottle, cool jizzy looks (see photo) – I had high hopes and expectations for fuck water.
Alas, Fuck Water was only a pretty face. Much to my disappointment this lube dried out very quickly and needed very frequent reapplication. After only two or three minutes. Stop. Reapply. Go. Stop. Reapply. Go. Repeat. It was frustrating, and at times, uncomfortable and bordering on painful.
It happens fast! You’re going along, got your groove working – all of a sudden – screeeeeeech!! Crashing halt. And don’t even THINK about butt toys with this one. Uncomfortable in other situations means torn mucous membranes in this case.
Speaking of toys, a water based lube should be safe with any and all toy materials. Silicone toys should only be used with water based lubes (except when it’s ok to use them with silicone lubes, but that’s a subject for another day). I’m not sure about hybrids with silicone toys. I have some very nice, fairly expensive silicone toys and I wouldn’t risk any to try with this. If it turns your toy to goo don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
All in all we would not purchase this – it is not even close to being a “best lubricant”. There are too many other better lubricants on the market like the Swiss Navy and the Gun Oil that I wrote about after this. Best lubricant? No Way.