9 Reasons Your Man Suffers from an Inability to Orgasm
I’m sure there are women out there reading this while sitting under a hair dryer giggling to themselves thinking … “if only MY man took too long to have an orgasm”! They find it funny that the opposite of a “one minute man” happens to be someone that often GIVES UP after 20 minutes of intercourse because they have an inability to orgasm. “I wish I had that problem in my relationship”, she says.
But the reality and unfairness of the “normal” situation is that the man will have an orgasm. Granted, in many cases, that orgasm might be too soon for our partner’s desires, but we will have an orgasm with them. And generally, that orgasm will signal an end to sex. Our female partner’s know that we are satisfied (whether THEY are satisfied or not, is a discussion for another day!). That reality is different when a man suffers from the inability to orgasm.
As an open-minded guy, I have discussed the inability to orgasm, medically referred to as “anorgasmia”, with friends and acquaintances. The funniest response I ever received was from a women who exclaimed that a man who can’t orgasm would be a “party” her vagina would enjoy.
What she didn’t seem to understand, is the party she was looking forward to, might go on for much longer than she bargained for. Men with anorgasmia (aka the inability to orgasm) typically have intercourse for no less than 20 minutes, and in many cases, double that, before they finally throw in the towel.
Say what you will, but 40 minutes of penetration in multiple positions can overwhelm even the most willing vagina and its owner.
Some guys have learned to accept intercourse on the basis of the feeling of being inside a vagina (or ass) and are active until they are tired. When they are tired, they stop. They stop, because they know that 1) they aren’t going to orgasm and 2) if they keep trying, they will “put a hurtin’ on that vag”.
Other guys begin to lose interest in all intercourse due to the lack of “success” or “completion” they will experience. They know they aren’t going to cum, and that is what sexual activity and expression is about. So rather than continue to “fail”, they stop having sex.
When sexual intercourse continues way past the point of pleasure, there is a good chance you are suffering from anorgasmia. Plus, if you orgasm ONE in every FIVE sexual situations, you can be sure you have a delayed ejaculation condition; your inability to orgasm is real. You read that right – imagine having sexual intercourse five times; only ONE time are you likely to climax.
Further, guys who suffer from anorgasmia or delayed or retarded ejaculation and are promiscuous KNOW that the problem does not lie with partner (or variety of partners). The problem is with the guy – and he knows it.
Women do not understand the problem, and most certainly, can’t understand when it happens to their partner. Most women play by the same script – their male partner always cums; and that is when the bell rings and sex is over. When something interferes with their script, they begin wondering who and what is the cause and the reason for the inability to orgasm.
Sadly, there is very little research being done on men with anorgasmia; and consequently, if your doctor DOES know about it, there is very little that can be done medically to help you.
To understand more about the inability to orgasm, let’s talk about what an orgasm is. Most people (men AND women) think that the ejaculation that occurs after sexual activity is the indicator of a mental and physical release of an orgasm. But that is not true.
First, orgasm and ejaculation are two different processes.
Most men do not understand this, because orgasm and ejaculation usually occur within microseconds of each other. So most people assume they are the same. However, they are not.
You can tell with some guys because they will announce they are cumming, and you will feel the spasms at the bottom of the penile shaft; as well as you might see the spasms in their stomach or upper body before any liquid exits their small head.
You might even notice their toes are curling. It really is kind of difficult to be pleasing your partner and trying to look at his toes – but if you happened to have videotaped your session, you can always look back. Guys curl their toes when they cum. Not something usually discussed over coffee, but there you go.
But the announcement that they are cumming does not usually mean that they are also ejaculating. Ejaculation is often delayed 1-15 seconds. Ejaculation is what causes the most amount of sensitivity and requires the removal of stimulation.
Secondly, some men do have orgasms without ejaculation. It might happen after repeated orgasms, if the man is that lucky. Or it might happen unexpectedly. I experienced it a few times while masturbating during sexual activity, and was quite shocked at the feeling of a dry orgasm. In my situation, this “dry climax” did not feel as fulfilling.
But I did have an orgasm and is better than the majority of times when I do not climax at all.
There are a plethora of reasons why a man might have a dry orgasm, and those reasons are beyond the scope and focus of this article. This article is about the inability to orgasm on a regular basis.
So back to our story. Why does he have an inability to orgasm?
Is it the partner’s fault he cannot cum.
NO. Partners often feel guilty when the male suffers from the inability orgasm; especially when the female partner has been brought to 1 or more orgasms during this intimate time. I usually tell people that ask, “if it was really you, then he never would have had an erection to start with”. The statement isn’t completely true, but it allows people to think about anorgasmia in a different light.
Is he able to cum through any sexual activities?
I am among the many men who are not able to climax through a blowjob, and that hasn’t changed since my early days of sexual experimentation.
Yet I have many friends who have no problem cumming from a blowjob, but when push-comes-to-shove, they also admit that they cum very fast during intercourse as well.
Some help-guides suggest that if your “partner can’t come from a blowjob, he should give up masturbating for a few weeks”. The person who writes this obviously doesn’t understand the true nature of what is going on; and how it does not automatically tie to excess or “death-grip” masturbation. Somehow the authors think that if you masturbate less, you will become more sensitive.
I use these admissions as evidence that the issue of fast or easy orgasm versus the inability to orgasm has something to do with PENILE SENSITIVITY, something I will discuss toward the end of this article.
Can your partner come through masturbation?
I don’t agree with professionals who say that if a man can come through masturbation, then the problem isn’t medical, it is psychological. I can come SOMETIMES through masturbation, and sometimes more often if masturbation to porn. But it doesn’t mean I can masturbate to orgasm all the time.
In many sexual situations, when I could not climax during intercourse, I would attempt to masturbate to orgasm. More than 2/3 of the time, I was unable to masturbate to orgasm, with my female partner lying there with me, often stroking my body as an additional stimulant. Let me be the first to tell you how frustrating that is!
Is there something psychologically holding me back from an orgasm when I am with a partner? No one has been able to convince me of that. As a promiscuous man, I have all the opportunity in the world to choose partners who tick all my boxes. That alone eliminates their “psychological argument” or “partner boredom” in my mind.
Was he able to orgasm before?
This gets asked all the time as if it will help. “Before What”? Before he was with you? Before he became an adult and was getting erections in front of funeral homes? What does “before” really mean?
Did he recently have surgery? Be prescribed new medications? Experience a physical injury? These items are relevant – and if you are referring to the days before these items occurred, then I understand your use of the word “before”. But in general, I think that these items, excluding new medication prescriptions, occur on a small scale, meaning they are not completely relevant.
If you have read my writings before, you know I don’t always agree with the “professionals”. A urologist once said that it takes men “time to have trust in their relationship”, in order to let go of their orgasm.
Yeah, I cried Bullshit at that one. Guys banging a new partner that don’t suffer with anorgasmia or its derivatives, usually pop their load faster, than when they have been with that partner for a while.
Are there are other sexual issues?
In my case, yes, I need a boost of Viagra to get going. I have had everything possible tested – and everything is perfect. Except that I don’t get full erections like I did before.
Is your partner taking Viagra or another sexual supplements that may or may not be a prescribed medication? There are many over-the-counter supplements that act like Viagra, or Cialis. Consequently, they may have some of the same side effects.
There are a few studies that concluded that Viagra and others do not affect the ability or inability to orgasm or the speed at which one does orgasm. In my completely non-scientific discussions with friends who also take Viagra or other similar products – they all agree that orgasms take longer when Viagra or similar products are used.
There is one medical-clinical trial that agreed with my opinion. In summary, they found that men who take Viagra or something similar (they call them “erectogenic” medications. I like that term!) are likely to obtain an erection suitable for intercourse, but without reaching an adequate arousal level, preventing them from easily obtaining an orgasm.
Written differently, with the help of erectogenic meds, men can get an erection without obtaining the necessary psychoemotional arousal or the required amount of mental stimulation that are necessary to reach orgasm.
Is your sexual partner experiencing stress?
Blaming stress on all of the problem of life has become commonplace, and I discount this line of questioning. Yes, technically stress can interfere with all sorts of sexual functions – beginning with arousal – to desire – and to orgasm.
But folks, this is 2020. Who doesn’t have some amounts of stress in their lives? Who isn’t worried about having enough money to retire? Who isn’t concerned about the mortgage payment next month? Who doesn’t think about the cost of sending their child to schools of higher learning? In a 2019 study, 80% of Americans stated that they lived paycheck-to-paycheck. EVERYONE HAS STRESS.
In my opinion, my penis (the small head) isn’t thinking about the car note due on the 15th. My penis sees a wiling vagina or anus and smiles big. I went so far as to ask my penis if it was stressed, and it said “No, pops. Can we go in now?”
How is the overall health of your sexual partner?
Men in good health typically are in good sexual health. But when there is good health, and not as good — sexual health, doctors are stumped and will put up the while flag. That has been my experience in trying to learn about my sexual issues like anorgasmia.
All of the other symptoms need to be ruled out. Heart and blood flow testing, hormone issues and imbalances including testosterone; diabetes; pituitary tumors; thyroid issues; and more. Serotonin, a hormone within the body, acts as a “brake” on orgasms — too much and orgasms become difficult to impossible, and men will suffer the inability to orgasm on a recurring basis. Some medications increase serotonin production as a side effect.
If you weren’t stressed before you had those tests, you will be when you must pay for them.
Does he smoke and/or drink? Both have been known to affect the ability to orgasm – especially drinking.
I don’t address drug use in my articles, but I also don’t want to skip the Elephant in the room. There are current studies published that conclude that smoking marijuana increases ease and frequency of orgasm. The study comprised primarily of women however, and some researchers believe that it is a method of mental relaxation for women that allow them to experience orgasm without shame or difficulty.
Overall testing with men and orgasms has not been conclusive.
Does your partner suffer from performance anxiety?
This is discussed often with “men’s sexual concerns” but I tend to discount it. Men who suffer with performance anxiety have issues getting or maintaining an erection. I have not found any studies that indicate men with performance anxiety would obtain erections strong enough for intercourse but still had an inability to orgasm. None.
However, I did find one obscure reference to a small study that made a correlation between the inability to orgasm in committed relationships when the goal of the partner was to become pregnant and the man was either against it or ambivalent toward it. In other words, he sub-consciously (and unintentionally) does not climax to prevent a pregnancy.
Is the inability to orgasm causing your partner distress?
Doctors agree on one important aspect of anorgasmia or delayed orgasm – it is only a problem if it causes you (the person experiencing the disorder) distress.
Duh. Even if you accept that you are not going to climax EVERY time you have intercourse, you begin to get less interested in sex when you know you are RARELY EVER going to bust. There is only so much excitement that sexual penetration brings when there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
What should you (his partner) do when he throws in the white flag?
A man suffering with anorgasmia will generally stroke in many positions until he reaches exhaustion (or frustration), whichever comes first.
He is likely to pull out and flop onto his back like a fish out of water, in an effort to rest and get his breathing under control.
Interestingly, men and women do not “prepare” or attempt to orgasm in the same way. Men “strain” to cum; we concentrate, stop breathing, pump harder, faster, change positions, and generally use substantially more energy than women when attempting to orgasm.
So what can you do? Roll onto your side and wrap your body around him. Keep your face away from the front of his; you can have your face touching the side of his, but stay away from the area directly in front of his mouth.
If he is hot and sweaty, use a light touch with your fingers (or feather tickler) and run them over his chest and arms, which will begin to cool off his skin. You could also begin to massage his legs and feet, which would be a welcomed distraction to what he just experienced.
Surprisingly, you could begin to gently rub his balls and penis, telling him while you are rubbing how great it felt. Avoid commenting about his inability to orgasm; compliment him on how well he “gave it to you”, or whatever sexually endearing term you use in your relationship.
If he is still erect, ask him if he wants to masturbate. If he chooses to do so, kiss his ears and neck, and use your hands to rub the inside of his thighs and across his chest. Masturbating after a failure, or inability to orgasm, does not always produce an orgasm and may make him more frustrated. This needs to be his choice.
If you enjoy taking his ejaculation in your mouth or on his face, lay your head on the side of your face slightly above the tip of his penis, but do NOT suck it – make sure there is room for him to use his full stroke. With some men, seeing you ready to accept his load, adds one final push that works with masturbation. Before you go this route, understand you need to be committed – and that this doesn’t always work. He STILL may not orgasm.
If it doesn’t work, and he stops masturbating, you return to laying near his face and tell him how hot it was to watch him masturbate. It doesn’t need to be true, you need to turn a negative event into a positive remembrance for him. Men typically do not enjoy masturbating in front of their partners. With anorgasmia, if you can encourage him to masturbate to orgasm after a failed orgasm through intercourse, you will salvage more than you realize.
I have written these suggestions from the POV of a committed partner. A one-night-stand or similar, will not have the level of intimacy; and the man might not feel as stressed by not coming. He will know that if or when she discusses his sexual prowess with her friends, she will say that “he went on and on”. For some men, that is enough positivity to accept the inability to orgasm.
Heterosexual one-night-stands are less likely to evolve into the man masturbating at the end of penetration. Interestingly, bi- or gay sexual hook-ups do not have the same level of concern, and men often masturbate as part of the act, thereby removing any embarrassment.
Does “not cumming” help men to understand what women experience?
The jury is out on that one. Couple often have “quicky” sex that the woman knowingly enters into with the understanding that this is for him, and she isn’t going to cum.
Some men with delayed orgasm are more likely to orgasm and ejaculate with unplanned, unprepared, “natural erection” quicky sex. As you shake your head wondering what I mean, let me try to explain it a different way.
As an example, a man exercises at home in the morning. Afterwards, he walks into the bedroom and begins to take off his exercise clothes and sees his partner also taking off her clothes to shower.
With no preparation, and no erectogenics, the man might feel a natural erection taking over.
If that happens, the partner should encourage the activity with touch and not words; and should lay down on the bed in the husband’s favorite position for orgasm.
For a lot of men, that position is female on her stomach, and man entering from behind.
At that moment, he knows that this is for him only as he prepares himself mentally about how much he needs this orgasm.
The spontaneity, lack of stress, lack of “rules” and clear desire to orgasm and nothing else, may allow for an occasional fast orgasm and ejaculation from the man.
Does this always work? No of course not. But you are still reading because you are looking for ideas – and this is one that has worked.
I mentioned PENILE SENSITIVITY earlier but didn’t explain why it is relevant.
First, as we age, our penis loses sensitivity both on the shaft and the head/glans. It is a documented fact, but not something often discussed because there is nothing we can do. Second, for those of us who are circumcised, we do not have a protective “hood” to help maintain sensitivity in our glans/head; and because we don’t have this hood to use for masturbation, we tend to masturbate more aggressively and with more friction.
Confused? Watch any movie of a man masturbating who is NOT circumcised and then watch a movie of a man who IS circumcised. They masturbate completely different and with different amounts of friction or “squeeze”.
Loss of sensitivity in the penis effects the overall feeling and sensations of everything we do with our penis from penetration to blowjobs to handjobs to self-masturbation. When men move into their “orgasm” position during intercourse, they typically choose a position with the most amount of friction to account from loss of sensitivity.
Why is there loss of sensitivity? Age, hormone imbalances, Testosterone issues, excess masturbation, years and years of rubbing your unprotected penis head against your underwear, and some diseases affecting blood flow, and nerve damage. All of them can be contributing factors.
You can buy creams that stimulate the blood vessels in your penis, bringing more blood to the skin level, and increasing sensitivity to the touch. This is temporary however. There is nothing permanent that can be done.
Some men, me included, find ourselves in a perpetuating cycle of penile degradation. We begin to experience difficulty in climaxing, and we find ourselves becoming less and less sensitive, which makes orgasm even more difficult. And there is NOTHING that can be done for us.
What is an involuntary orgasm?
In the discussion of delayed or retarded ejaculation, the term “involuntary orgasm” is often used, but is slightly misleading. The correct term is “Orgasm through Penile Vibratory Stimulation” – obviously, vibratory means that a “vibrator” is involved. This technique is designed for men who, among other things, have an inability to orgasm.
Basically, on the back of the penis is an “arrow”: the ridge of the glans on each side is the left and right portion of the arrow, and the vein that runs down the middle is the long stem of the arrow.
I have attached a graphic of a dildo sold in LoveWorks with the main vibration point identified with a circle, and an arrow point to it for clarity.
This is not masturbation – this is a couple, working together to bring the man to an orgasm. The man lays back and relaxes, thinking whatever sexual thoughts he chooses.
The man needs to mentally remove all stress, fear, worry, and concerns about having an orgasm.
He must enter this activity with HIS pleasure in mind – the pleasure of his penis being attended to. This might be a very new experience for you — taking the time to “please” his penis.
The vibrator you will need for this activity is the best-selling vibrator for women, the “Sensuelle Point 20 Function Waterproof Bullet”.
Penile vibratory therapy is an FDA approved method of inducing orgasm. It is very specific and documented, and the vibrators must provide vibration at a specific frequency and amplitude. And an FDA approved device cost $995-$1800 USD. Yeah, we don’t sell that.
The Sensuelle, at its lowest speed/vibration, provides a vibration similar to the specs of the fancy, expensive FDA vibration – but not exact.
The first speed works for most, but the second and third also work; but it is imperative to start with the first speed.
Regardless of whether the penis is soft or hard, the tip of the Sensuelle vibrator is placed at the top of the arrow (the location of the circle on the image shown).
The shaft of the vibrator is then angled slightly downward, so that the vibrator remains in contact with the “circle” but also vibrates up to 1” below the circle.
If you are holding the vibrator in the right hand, your left hand should be cupped around the other side of penis, with part of his glans and shaft in the curve of your cupped hand. This provides support for what your right hand is doing.
Do NOT apply pressure – keep the vibrator lightly against the skin. Do not move it around once you find the spot that generates involuntary movement in the penis. Yes, his penis really will twitch when you find the right spot.
When you have it right, the man will experience involuntary contractions of the muscle a man flexes/squeezes to stop his stream of urine. If soft/flaccid, his penis should begin to fill slowly with blood.
If he doesn’t ejaculate before reaching an erection (some ejaculations may occur while he is flaccid!), you may need to re-adjust the vibrator as his penis expands, remembering where to focus the vibrations.
I suggest the first time you do this to NOT adjust vibration speed. If he doesn’t ejaculate within five minutes, stop and rest 15-30 minutes before you do it again.
If all goes well, you will see and feel the spasms in the bottom of penis that occur prior to ejaculation – and you will see and feel the liquid ejaculate, exit his penis. A few seconds after the last liquid comes out, remove the vibrator. Using your left hand, close your hand around his penis lightly and gently and SLOWLY stroke him up and down.
You shouldn’t do this more than a few times per week, and never more than five minutes per session. It is not unusual for the skin where the vibrator was touching to be slightly irritated. Sometimes even a small bump like an acne “zit” will appear from the stimulation. Don’t worry, it goes away quickly.
If this doesn’t work, and he does not ejaculate – you can try other times. But more importantly, he will enjoy the feelings you gave to him and it gives you both another intimate activity to share together. From talking to couples, rarely does the female spend this much time attempting to play with and please the penis.
Be together and be happy. You now have some new things to try.
I could be corny and say, “Remember, Love Works!” — but I won’t. I’m better than that.